Sproode Doodle

April 2, 2019

 

 

Hello dear reader. Do you know what is masking? I don’t really want to talk about masking. I want to tell you my story, but if you don’t know what the masking is, it might be a bit difficult. I don’t want to repeat what others researched/wrote/said about it, so I’m attaching links for you to find out more. If you want to fully understand, please read at least 2 of the following links before you continue:

 

 

Well, I have been doing that for 3 decades until I become very tired, exhausted, I have burned out and the thought of giving up crossed my mind. I needed to change something. When I had similar moments in past, I was always changing environment in some way, to escape. But after 13 years of adult and independent life, my record is 16 positions within 11 jobs, 16 house moves across 7 cities and 2 countries. And I wasn’t even bad at those jobs. The few first ones- they were torture for all attended but later, it was torture only for me. When I finally achieved OK and decently paid position, I resigned. Because I could not cope. And I couldn’t even explain what I mean by “could not cope”. I didn’t want to continue like that I needed to change something different, something I have not thought of before ...and then it hit me. Maybe it might not seem like that for others from outside (because I was not successful all the time), but I always tried my hardest to meet expectations of others. It’s exhausting and it doesn’t leave you with lot of energy to work in your own expectations. You are putting on smile you don’t mean. You say things you don’t mean. You go where you don’t want to go. You lie and hide a lot if you have to speak up. Even if they are just little small acceptable and widely used social white lies, they are draining. You are part of conversations you are not interested in. You do things you don’t want. All the time you are doing all that, you realize you are one massive failing fake, afraid that anytime now someone is going to notice. This is why I've abruptly ended good jobs, frequently changed addresses and the people around. Or I reduced socializing- for fear of being somewhere too long and to be found out.

 

Now be honest- how far would you get with such self-image?

 

So, I focused my analyzing on my own actions, reasons, motivations- digging deeper and deeper to find explanations, motivations. I realized that I had to stop faking and pretending in order to erase that skewed self-image of incompetent fake. Not easy after 3 decades. But after the mental roller coaster of lifetime I’ve left old Hana burn out and now, from the ashes Sproodle Doodle has risen. Sproodle Doodle is my attempt to take off my mask . Sproodle Doodle is my attempt of authentic expression after years of faking it but never making it. Me- Hana is my Bruce Wayne and Sproodle Doodle is my Batman. Sproodle Doodle is team of one female who is good at drawing and her dog who is her bestest mate. Sproodle Doodle is my journey in learning more about me, people like me and I invite you to join us.

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